Written by Team Extra Clean TUE at 11:36 27/8-2019
Finally, the shroud of silence surrounding the new cycling sensation, the Cuban Team Extra Clean TUE, has been lifted. At a buzzing press conference in Havanna, Cuba the cigar wielding Fidel Upmann laid out his vision for the team’s future and how he seeks to tackle the challenges ahead.
About the strategic vision he said:
“Incremental gains, guys! That is what it‘s all about! We are microdosing excellence one incremental step at a time.“
When asked again about the strategic vision, because he didn’t really answer the question:
“We will start the most sophisticated scouting program on the planet! My cousin, Pedro (*who lethargically waves from a distant corner in the room upon hearing his name), has 478 friends on Facebook, is a proven YouTube binge-watcher and has much time on his hands. Obviously, he is qualified for the job! With his eagle eye for talent, we will build a versatile team that excels on all profiles!”
About what TUE is standing for:
“Totally Unrivaled Excellence. Next question.”
About his stance on doping:
“We don’t need it. We have Cuban doctors. Next question.”
About the development of Cuban riders and road cycling in Cuba:
“We will maintain a quota of roughly 50% native riders. Also, I am pleased to inform everybody, that I will soon apply for the post of managing Cuba’s national squad. Given, that I am the only Cuban cycling manager in existence right now, I like my chances.”
About where he sees Team Extra Clean TUE in the next season:
“Division five, for sure! So far we got results in almost all races, that we took part in. And the ones, where we didn’t, were just considered sparring sessions anyway!”
As the afternoon progressed, passion, a desire to succeed and maybe a few Cuba Libres too many overwhelmed Fidel Upmann, at which point he went on a long rant about OCM suits, the commercialization of Che Guevara and these counterfeit cigars, which he and Pedro sell to idiot tourists. He shortly thereafter was seen by caring Cuban authorities to his limousine.
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